Fabulous Hives of Bollywood Wives !!

Fabulous HIVES of Bollywood Wives 

If I was a scientist I’d definitely want to attempt a case study on “The effects of watching a bit too many Gossip Girl marathons.” I think the reprimanding results would be that Some girls turn into Blair’s rendition of a mean girl with a bejewelled headband . Some like me look Inspiringly to the glamorous humility and innocuous  promiscuity of Serena van der woodsen ... some channel their inner Jenny and act in rebellion . And then we’re bound to find the one strange anomaly who in this case is obviously and obliviously so delusional and all wrapped up around their ego and blinded by their pomposity , that they start to build their very own hive in real life and actually try and become the Queen Bee amongst their minions !!!!! In this case that scintillating imbecile making that desperate (and psychologically dangerous ) effort is none other than the eponymous sociopath Mr Karan Johar !!

The show starts with an extremely frumpy line up of four Middle Aged women who are sort of trying to live their cloudy version of the American dream , but In Mumbai.. After we familiarise with this confused cast , we realise the show is filthily scripted and lacks both the element of surprise, any genuine emotions or even any sort of diabolical drama ! The four women come appearing as if they’re the four horsemen of a divinely curated magic show except there is NO magic and even in the most climatic moments of the show their Pretence and performances fall flat on their faces, and at times is genuinely annoying ! 

It’s a royal mess of bad acting skills , a poor  script , mediocre career goals , over obsession with kids , a flat tyre vacation in Doha , a penultimate event that’s more cringey than the ending as described by most of my friends and ofcourse the jack ass of all babes , Karan Johar , who at one point became so irritable, intolerable and despicable that it made every viewer question their motives of continuing  the next episode !!! 

I think “ luxurious plastic first world problems with a bit of gossip n bitchiness “ is the plot we expected the show to have , and what we got was a dried up version of a kitty party with symbiotic agony aunts crying wolf in the comfort of a presidential suite ! Alas ! The susceptibility of creating Hollywood inspired shows aka replicas by the stalwarts of Bollywood comes as no surprise, yet they do manage to replicate the product quite well usually , atleast in terms of the overall effect . However , as strange as this sounds , they’ve fared miserably at doing that too with this particular series !

In some sort of comical way if I can put it as Mr Sherlock Holmes’ deliriously desirable deductions ( spoken rapidly and eloquently and meretriciously like Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock ) I’d say :  The four women In the show ,show no signs of a real personality . Their clothing choices of shoes, dresses, bags and jewellery and make up is all incoherent, outdated and incongruent to anything to do with international trends or aesthetics . Their Paris trip made Le Bal sound and feel like an overpopulated Delhi sangeet function at a wedding where everyone’s pushing and shoving either in the buffet lines or dyeing to perform exactly in front of the dance floor on the beats of a DJ suketu or Sukhbeer or whosoever the Ludhianvi turned LA singer is. Stemming from their irascible obsession with their kids all the time , it goes to show how brown parents, rich or poor , are manipulative controlling,  dominating and over involved in their offspring’s lives , not giving them a fair chance at life or originality! However at the same time they put in a stable zero effort or energy towards first fixing their own bloody lives ! Not only was the entire show a solid proof of nepotism ,(the cast , their family network , the connection to business investors , Le bal etc) obsessing about the come back of a yesteryear actress is a done to death storyline and her accent wanted me to mute the show immediately ! 

The other side of the show spurts cocky overconfidence and lacklustre arrival of Karan Johar who will soon be self proclaiming himself to be the Andy Cohen of India . Now I was almost barfing when he came back again onscreen to try and throw a truth bomb on these four women in Doha randomly sitting on a freaking helipad with a polyester carpet and 5 ugly chairs . Well here’s another truth bomb,  After building grandiloquent ostentatious sets for mere dream sequence songs in his movies, if this was his rendering of fine luxury and “fabulous” , Clearly it’s time for him to exit the stage and retire ! 

My last deduction it towards the end of the show which looks like if Alcoholics Anonymous was black tie and did leave me in urgent need of therapy.  I think all the women in the show share a common address , and that is beneath Gauri Khans feet ( or up hers ) . The whole episode was like a boring Ballad of undeserving praise for her,  however , she was yet unreceptive , disinterested and sort of disgusted at them for doing this show. To add more clamour to the evening was Natasha poonawala walking in wearing an odd oversized floral printed lampshade as a dress that gave me so much anxiety when she tried to sit on a sofa wearing that ! Suzanne khan walked in wearing some kind of a silver life jacket probably just to prevent her social life from sinking again I guess? I don’t even care about the rest of the guests but the evening was just so middle class to look at ! They’ve taken all the fun away from fans’ imaginations of how a Bollywood party or how the life of a Bollywood wife would be by attempting and failing to make it look real , humble and with real world problems !  

The only thing that disappointed me more was that none of them stood a chance in front of any of the OGs from the Real Housewives series which has “inspired “ this mess. 

To summarise it , I can only compare the condition of this series to Maheeps ugly mismatched luggage with one or two Louis Vuittons thrown in for the sake of luxury, which screams “ Less Paris and More Parel !! 

-NT

Whine- ter is coming !!!

Whine-ter is coming !!!

The one thing that I like about Delhi is the winter season here ! The smell of Aromatic kebabs cooked in alfresco barbecues and heated verandahs and mulled wine and perhaps the occasional Toddy ! It’s almost perfect .  

However , all good things come to an end and while I’m totally ecstatic to step out to relish the winters and I was hoping the low temperature shall murder this virus for good , I’m still very uncomfortable as I’m disdainful !! Its been so long we’ve socialised and now It’s somewhat  like re cracking the whole virginity experience , filled with awkward moments : ill timed air kisses , undefined boundaries with an Ex flame , having your first night (out ),  but with the wrong heels or the wrong friend ! Ideally getting in the right position , for an Instagram story. Using protection, such as Gucci scarves , Coz it’s safe to wear old season stuff now that Gucci’s announced it’s going season free ! ( who am I kidding Noone here knew the difference anyway) . Overall , It’s quite unnerving !

However what’s even more worrisome ,the one thing I’m still horrified since previous Delhi winters , is to see those girls coming out in their hideous discounted outlet store quilted Burberry jackets in beige brown and black !!! Moreover, they’ll fold the cuff at the sleeve to reveal the now ancient Burberry check pattern ! Of Course like any good wine pairing NOT, aka butter chicken with a pinot Grigio or chugging a chianti Classico with sweet potato fries maybe , they’ve ruined this look too. They’re further murdered it by twinning with their husbands’ same Burberry check shirt paired with an even more atrocious sleeveless puffer jacket ! They call it twinning , I call it “desperate fashion victims with peanut sized dormant and futile cerebrums“! ( I also hate on couples twinning in Balmain T-shirt’s in summers ) 

Now I dont Care if u travelled an hour by bus to fish it out of the clearance racks at Bicester village or you picked it up from the Khan market footpath in 2016 , please don’t wear them anymore !!!! 

If you didn’t get the memo , let me explain you that Richardo Tisci ( pronounced not like Tisca Chopra but more like teeshi sort of rhyming with takeshis castle ) is the new creative director and has come up with a new monogram for the brand ! Kindly level up !

Concurrently , I also pity the Rajouri Garden shops who’ve overstocked their inventories for the fakes of the Burberry checks , yet I fiercely pity the ones who still plan on wearing it this winter all the more ! (if we all step out that is ) 

Since everything is based on a bleak probability of a magical drug that’ll wipe the virus out this winter , i think we can push the barrier just enough to realise that it will only take an even larger miracle , of elephantine proportions , to save these fashionably damned n doomed lot !!! 

In addition, a mere monotony now are the entry level Chanel bags these chicks are carrying. Did nobody tell you chanel is a lifestyle and PS also makes other products , like every god forsaken silhouette in fashion !!!!!! And if you’ve committed the common mistake of picking up one lame bag with all your yearly savings or your husbands OR daddy’s money , then the least you can do is not create a fuss about it or have a “holier than thou” attitude. Like really , just keep it to yourself instead of placing it on the restaurant dinner table, like it’s the centre piece or a freaking Lalique Vase !! Just hang it on those fatty shoulders or the back of your dining chair and give me a break !! Everyone has the capacity to spend 3500€ (after VAT refunds ) in Delhi so kindly RELAX !!

Much like the virus and the state of affairs in this country ,the whole Gucci scarf with Burberry jacket with a chanel bag look paired with uggs , is like an deadly but inedible cocktail made with equal parts of disgust and horror and garnished with frumpy distaste and screaming for attention and or validation.  ..but that’s a debate for another day ! 

For now I just wouldn’t mind sitting back with a decent overpriced cocktail ,in a pretentious outdoor restaurant in my A Non Logo designer Jacket and watch and judge and whine about the live shit show of showoffs and bigots simultaneously witnessing the vile desperation of these wannnbe socialites in a safe public setting !! And whilst i hope for this dreamy surreal, bitchy night out that I may or may not get to go to , meanwhile atleast, We can sit home feel wholesome and give a tight hug to the entry level Boy Chanel , if not a real boy !!! 

XX 

NT

Home Crooks

Home Crooks

As fabulously freeing the last six months of no nauseating socialising and fake smiling at lame pop up bars (aka dear Donna ) have been , not everyone has been telling the truth about their boredom or their frivolous sounding yet basic bitch alter egos  !

It was a good 6 months socially, considering the snake friends were finally pushed to their respective humble abodes and it’s almost natures way of saying “u can’t sit with us “ or well 6ft away maybe ... well I’m sure you can contemplate the rest ! It is Also a breezy moment for some non expressive , Movie maniacs turned moral compasses to sit down and somewhat stop articulating.. 

And last but not the least so many Influencers shamelessly looking into their vain Instagram accounts to introspect their also unabashed , shameless , crass & greedy behaviour over the past decade !

However as I always say the most important “specie “ that appeared this year other than a microscopic satanic virus was the species of Home Cooks ! Now this decadent term comes with so much variety and loopholes too. So lets get it in order.

The first and most ambiguous one is the one who only cooks about 6 to 8 meals a day each scarier than the other that may even shock the grim reaper himself !! Of course the team of servants does the chopping, cleaning , dish washing, spices and sauces .. the self proclaimed cook just adds a bit of drizzle I guess by swaying in her apron in the kitchen and an occasional swing of the whisk and ladle ( And then immediately Instagramming it ! ) Churning out Plates after plates of new dishes freshly preyed on from old master chef episodes ! It’s a tragedy to see that those 6 course meals are being  consumed in the time of such hardships and what’s yet more difficult to see is That they’re not even plated properly or well matched with wines ! True disgust ! If u plan to plagiarise something Atleast do it properly ! Ever heard of wine pairings ?!?!? Now Google that bitch ! Also easy on the Parmesan it’s not a vitamin !  

Another interesting one,  also In a state of oblivion is the cook who thinks nobody would find out you’re just doing it for the freaking gram !! Instagram !! Like we alllll know about mccain and meatzza and hell 20 more ready to cook packaged food companies ! Please calm down ! Atleats in these dark times you should know better ! Know better how to lie and make restaurant ordered food or pre made food look home made and authentic Enough ! First do the work and then maybe Someone who’s not up your ass might send u one emoji or a like on Instagram! Grow up ! 

The last is my favourite category of home cooks that I think it’s the most crooked ! These newly freshly grown entrepreneurs are surviving , rather blossoming , on their husbands two words of praises so much that they’ve launched brands of their own ! Like all hail the next McDonalds ! What the heck do they think ! Everyone’s thinking it but No one is gonna say it but hell I’ll tell u “ aunty once this virus ends your business will shut shop quicker than I finish a shot of tequila and no one will bother ordering your gross home cooked kitchen stuff . so stop wasting so much paper printing menus and over-investing in inventories and just stick to basics like your cheap poly delivery bag and Whatsapp photo updates etc 

My post might seem a little bit politer than usual but hey it’s the pandemic and god knows when it’s going to end , so till then in case I feel like ordering something from outside my kitchen , we need to be nice to these newly born home crooks ! Oops cooks ! 

Xx

NT

The Queen and the three side bitches 

As if Karan Johars vomit worthy, unfinished dance moves on literally all reality tv shows weren't disgusting us enough , he decided to try and go pure evil on everyone's favourite self made super talented and stylish actress Kangana Ranaut ! 

To the three not so charming musketeers : What you don't understand clearly about "normal " people and those who've made it big in Bollywood inspite of their "normal, humble " roots is , that they reached there with immense hard work and lots of trouble and that they very well know how to make an ignorant elite in spiked Louboutins shut the hell up !!!  Along with the other list of qualities and skills that they've got , giving back a piece of their minds and not accepting any bullshit that comes their way is their natural ability that comes to them as easily as a sense of superiority comes to starkids !

Clearly Karan Johar behaved like a spoilt little rich brat in high school who would try and make her entire army of minions go against the "new pretty girl " ! A comment about nepotism on his tv show didn't sit well with him but his reactions to it were completely immature , isolated and from the perspective of a teenage  drama queen with an appetite for revenge because "how dare she" !!!! 

To stoop a few degrees lower he teamed up with the guy who's probably got zero talent or credibility and even lower standards than him ! Just coz ur David Dhawan's son u get a decent break in a movie with Dharma Productions.Nepotism example 1 ! Don't even try to explain the Siddharth Malhotra angle coz still 2 out of 3 stars of student of the year were industry kids ! 

Not only does he lack originality and character , he's very well shaped himself to be a new age Govinda whose target audience was always auto drivers and local thieves and now that this version has abs I guess he's added their wives to the fanlist tooo .... 

On the show , Saif pretended to enjoy the company of his leading lady and had an awkward moment with shahid too, but this is heights of cowardice ! You called her and apologised for what ? Changing sides ? During the interview he was more well behaved than a pet dire wolf ! What happened now ? I understand that after making it in Bollywood with 3 hits and at max a B grade actor after struggling roles for almost 2 decades you might think you're entitled to an opinion about Bollywood and the stars , but noone asked you to give up your chivalry and donate your spine by demeaning a fellow co star in a not so nawab-ish manner !!!! 

This isn't a street play being performed in a tacky school In a village or a practice skit for a college competition!! It's a bloody award function with a huge audience and honestly for the love of New York they could have behaved themselves!!!! 

Its extremely upsetting to see this clan playing dirty kidish games and being catty and mean , picking on a pretty girl just coz she has silkier hair than Karan , more followers than Varun and clearly way more class than Saif ! And who knows even more money tooo !!! These are the people representing the industry and India on such a big international platform ! It is extremely ignominious !

But how did they manage to get there in the first place ???? Hmmmm ... Nepotism really doesn't exist here does it Saif ?

-NT

That Little Jumpy Person 5.0 ft


In between Delhi's post new years day cele-brat-ion talks , some pollution flavoured fog and the unavoidable laughters and jokes on Mr Modi's super failed attempt at pulling off a robin-hood on us, I attended my first social outing of 2017 and I must say i wasn't disappointed ....( more material for my new post at least ...)

Finding my way through a crowd of an S , M and an occasional XL of the very same black pleather zara bomber jacket ( scratch that ,H&M jacket ) , that smells of environment murdering polyester , I managed to enter this club which is named after a season ! (How creative not )

Reaching the bar i spotted the usual species ofcourse ; wannabe Sonam Kapoor girls sporting "boots" that have plastic bows and silver faux crystal looking trinkets.... Ofcourse the slum quality bling doesnt end there.. (I could do an entire piece on Delhi girls' boots) ,and then there were the white sneaker sporting "League of extraordinarily cheap , not so gentle men" ... Marking their ubiquitous presence were the predators, read : indian version of jocks , that make u instantly think of swanky cars, musky perfumes and STDs... Right by the tables, on the dance floor were the 16 something girls who wore make up to look 22, (we shall talk when they get to 22 and are still there , perhaps as waitresses !)

However, these were the usual attendees of any party scene in Delhi along with the drug dealer clan , the wake and bake smokers, the social mime make up kitty aunties , butterflies in search of sweeter nectar, gold digging overdressed girls with ugly rich boys, tall men short girl duos, and unforgettably the sexually fluid nose ring guys in heels ..

This week , i felt much like Einstein and i was so ecstatic and almost teary eyed when i met this short guy in a plaid shirt and denims .. Voila !! New species !!! Sporting also "the one sweater probably his dead grand mom knit for him that he repeats every bloody winter, every bloody night ",the boy has sharp eyes and is observantly hunting for someone to talk( and bore... )

Since winters are short , like their stature , so is their need to dress appropriately in the current fall fashion... It almost feels that For a few months these people totally diss their dressing sense in exchange for a few extra bucks in their wallet blaming the seasons short duration !! This kind usually get comfortable in about 6 to 10 minutes after meeting you , once they've realised they can take you down in a fist fight , and about 20 minutes later they begin to talk, hop, skip and jump in over excitement . Soon after that , their never ending pompous story that is a bloody pilgrimage towards the city of cockiness , the temple of their inflated ego and the shrine of self worship and vanity , begins...

This jumpy person normally starts to boast about returning from a fun ski trip to the alps or a crazy bachelors in Miami.. This lot only shuts up with a drink being shoved up their tiny mouth or a rude sayonara !!!!

The use of phrases like  "i have been to that place too" or " i have heard about that " only trigger the narration of a custom made absolutely false story, the purpose of which is to sound cooler than you.... Skinny dipping with 3 strippers in Vegas( at the Bellagio) !!! Or about getting action on an Egyptian pyramid ( with 2 people) !! Or dating a Finnish supermodel AND dumping her ( ya right !!! )

There is no escaping the immature fantasy filled tales of these expert liers.. The only thing that can save you is death now, or lets not be that pessimistic , the closing of the club !!!!! Phewww....

After ruining your entire evening and making you feel futile, unadventurous and energy-less , they go back home more jumpier than a newly adopted bunny and feeling a rise in their cool quotient , probably compensating for what they lack in inches ! ( Pun intended )
They like to imagine that they are some what equivalents of the uber chic James Bond or as popular and macho as perhaps "Rocky Balboa"  but amusingly the only person i can think of in their reference is the popular Japanese cartoon " Shin chan ".

-NT

Demonitisation is a bitch 

I want my frivolous fake delhi back !!! 

I'm extremely irritated about this whole demonetisation scheme , not because I'm worried of loosing my millions stored in black in stashes in the attic ( like half of delhi ) , but more so because all the cool overpriced loved cafes and luxury malls filled with Indo trash people and hoity toity aunties carrying Chanels , have all suddenly become desertedly empty and , all these fake women and wannabe socialites have totally vanished and it's like the whole atmosphere has become so un-delhi !

Clearly everyone is running from pillar to post trying to deposit those ancient 1000s , suddenly pay off previous debts which they've remembered just at this moment thinking it would be good karma to give back rotting useless currency !! lol ! And every snooty bitch in town has been reduced to a mere slave of the silver Amex card , also proving to them for the first time ever ,that there exists something more plastic than their personalities  ,and here's the twist , that's more useful tooo !!

Husbands are screaming at their wives for "not spending " a super secret lump of cash ! 

Parents are filling their kids bank accounts and the kids are laughing their way to the banks with dreams of clearing out Hamleys soon ... 

A lot of the house help is so excited and ecstatic to see the rich in misery !!!(Ps : Bitch who pays for your existence in this city ? )

The chaffeurs are laughing each time their madam Ji gives them 3000 rupee to get a tank full in the 3rd car again ! (Ps :  if madam ji starts driving by herself you will not be laughing then !! Get rid of that smirk, be loyal and wish well ) 

The factory workers are more than enthusiastic to queue in the banks to get the currency exchanged for their bosses and hence waste time and do no work and ofcourse verbally take pride in the fact that they're more helpful ! Gossip is their favourite pastime currently and they're betting about on the value of their bosses' secret stash !!!

Bank managers are like "czars" right now and anyone on their bad side , need be ,financially beheaded ! 

What a not so royal mess all this is !!! This is a sheer wastage of time and funds , medium to big businesses will be shut , the poor will get poorer , and the country is taking a step back towards poverty and low standards of existence and an extremely medieval times lifestyle too !! (India : next world power ? Confident earlier , Not sure now )

My only fear is that after years of struggle and hard work and almost a dozen miracles later ,  Delhites were atleast trying to level up their game .. And with their Goyard totes and Benz convertibles , they were atleast drawing some similarities with the lifestyle and fashion of the International modern society!! Wasn't that a face saver when we have tourists here ? Wasn't that good for the society where the rich flourish and yet the poor grow too along.. ( may be slowly but atleast they are not in a crisis like now )

All our past hardwork is in vain !!! The other day at the mall felt like it was 2003 ... Few people scattered around who've probably come for a walk or window shopping , there were almost zero sales , and I honestly had an extremely negative feeling that if this usually bustling mall that makes sales for a few crores every week is in this sad state , I only wonder about the rest of the economy .... 

The real dilemma here is that are we going back to once again be known as just a land of snake charmers and folk dancers ?!?!? ( And ofcourse amazing chai ! )

-NT

Indo Trash - Part 1

Spotted: The overtly blabber mouth insufferable "Iknow everybody and everything " roundish person !!!! (Everyone knows atleast one person like this in their lives )

It begins with a "Heyyyyyyy" with an extended vowelly sound that can make glasses crack or make the most sophisticated people shrivel and curl in disapproval ,or perhaps even destroy a sparrow's natural habitat !!!! Please calm yourself girl and utilize all those extra kilocalories of energy to go mine coal or something !!!! Seriously , it's Not only extremely rude to be that loud publicly , but there is a Basic code of conduct one follows even while socialising !!!! 

This "extra need for attention " clan can be found in what's come to be wrongly known as the "internationally acceptable fashionably cool" uniform in india , namely  "a pair of white sneakers and a loose unflattering teeshirt-ish dress " !!! As if the outfit wasn't disappointing and frumpy enough, the last thing I need to hear is the person talking and lecturing about her "new look" flaunting it like its her original millennial invention !!!

I think they are the soul of an angry gorilla or actually may be an estranged donkey , trapped in a humans body that they keep "hee-hawing" infinitely !!!! They can't seem to shut up ever!! Most of the time they are pompously showing off some new shopping , some new people they met or busy pretending to be "vir sanghavis " female equivalent , talking incessantly about a new type of nigiri zushi they had last night !!! Sweet Heart , we all know of the satisfying "double cheese pizza with Diet Coke " that u gobbled up right after those 2 tiny pieces of sushi (which I truly believe must have felt like throwing a stone in an empty well !!! ) Not that I'm telling you to shy away from ur love for food , or going out , or socialising but u can also shut up at regular intervals , tone down that volume , and let others enjoy all of that too...

As a matter of fact , nobody likes a "loud and proud " person who talks big , but thinks and acts small... 

Attention seeking isn't a competitive sport !

Most times , a magical feeling of serenity and calm takes over ,and honestly it's such a relief to the ears and the eyes toooo , the moment they leave the restaurant or the party they were disturbing and disrupting, by just being present there !!!

In most cases i prefer to stay miles afar from them and their ambient trash talk... But , The one thing i relish more than a palpable serving of an avocado California roll , is the very insulting sight , of these noise polluters being thrown out of a posh restaurant for improper behaviour , proving yet again that they're correctly labelled as Indo- trash !!!! 

-NT