Home Crooks

Home Crooks

As fabulously freeing the last six months of no nauseating socialising and fake smiling at lame pop up bars (aka dear Donna ) have been , not everyone has been telling the truth about their boredom or their frivolous sounding yet basic bitch alter egos  !

It was a good 6 months socially, considering the snake friends were finally pushed to their respective humble abodes and it’s almost natures way of saying “u can’t sit with us “ or well 6ft away maybe ... well I’m sure you can contemplate the rest ! It is Also a breezy moment for some non expressive , Movie maniacs turned moral compasses to sit down and somewhat stop articulating.. 

And last but not the least so many Influencers shamelessly looking into their vain Instagram accounts to introspect their also unabashed , shameless , crass & greedy behaviour over the past decade !

However as I always say the most important “specie “ that appeared this year other than a microscopic satanic virus was the species of Home Cooks ! Now this decadent term comes with so much variety and loopholes too. So lets get it in order.

The first and most ambiguous one is the one who only cooks about 6 to 8 meals a day each scarier than the other that may even shock the grim reaper himself !! Of course the team of servants does the chopping, cleaning , dish washing, spices and sauces .. the self proclaimed cook just adds a bit of drizzle I guess by swaying in her apron in the kitchen and an occasional swing of the whisk and ladle ( And then immediately Instagramming it ! ) Churning out Plates after plates of new dishes freshly preyed on from old master chef episodes ! It’s a tragedy to see that those 6 course meals are being  consumed in the time of such hardships and what’s yet more difficult to see is That they’re not even plated properly or well matched with wines ! True disgust ! If u plan to plagiarise something Atleast do it properly ! Ever heard of wine pairings ?!?!? Now Google that bitch ! Also easy on the Parmesan it’s not a vitamin !  

Another interesting one,  also In a state of oblivion is the cook who thinks nobody would find out you’re just doing it for the freaking gram !! Instagram !! Like we alllll know about mccain and meatzza and hell 20 more ready to cook packaged food companies ! Please calm down ! Atleats in these dark times you should know better ! Know better how to lie and make restaurant ordered food or pre made food look home made and authentic Enough ! First do the work and then maybe Someone who’s not up your ass might send u one emoji or a like on Instagram! Grow up ! 

The last is my favourite category of home cooks that I think it’s the most crooked ! These newly freshly grown entrepreneurs are surviving , rather blossoming , on their husbands two words of praises so much that they’ve launched brands of their own ! Like all hail the next McDonalds ! What the heck do they think ! Everyone’s thinking it but No one is gonna say it but hell I’ll tell u “ aunty once this virus ends your business will shut shop quicker than I finish a shot of tequila and no one will bother ordering your gross home cooked kitchen stuff . so stop wasting so much paper printing menus and over-investing in inventories and just stick to basics like your cheap poly delivery bag and Whatsapp photo updates etc 

My post might seem a little bit politer than usual but hey it’s the pandemic and god knows when it’s going to end , so till then in case I feel like ordering something from outside my kitchen , we need to be nice to these newly born home crooks ! Oops cooks ! 

Xx

NT

The Queen and the three side bitches 

As if Karan Johars vomit worthy, unfinished dance moves on literally all reality tv shows weren't disgusting us enough , he decided to try and go pure evil on everyone's favourite self made super talented and stylish actress Kangana Ranaut ! 

To the three not so charming musketeers : What you don't understand clearly about "normal " people and those who've made it big in Bollywood inspite of their "normal, humble " roots is , that they reached there with immense hard work and lots of trouble and that they very well know how to make an ignorant elite in spiked Louboutins shut the hell up !!!  Along with the other list of qualities and skills that they've got , giving back a piece of their minds and not accepting any bullshit that comes their way is their natural ability that comes to them as easily as a sense of superiority comes to starkids !

Clearly Karan Johar behaved like a spoilt little rich brat in high school who would try and make her entire army of minions go against the "new pretty girl " ! A comment about nepotism on his tv show didn't sit well with him but his reactions to it were completely immature , isolated and from the perspective of a teenage  drama queen with an appetite for revenge because "how dare she" !!!! 

To stoop a few degrees lower he teamed up with the guy who's probably got zero talent or credibility and even lower standards than him ! Just coz ur David Dhawan's son u get a decent break in a movie with Dharma Productions.Nepotism example 1 ! Don't even try to explain the Siddharth Malhotra angle coz still 2 out of 3 stars of student of the year were industry kids ! 

Not only does he lack originality and character , he's very well shaped himself to be a new age Govinda whose target audience was always auto drivers and local thieves and now that this version has abs I guess he's added their wives to the fanlist tooo .... 

On the show , Saif pretended to enjoy the company of his leading lady and had an awkward moment with shahid too, but this is heights of cowardice ! You called her and apologised for what ? Changing sides ? During the interview he was more well behaved than a pet dire wolf ! What happened now ? I understand that after making it in Bollywood with 3 hits and at max a B grade actor after struggling roles for almost 2 decades you might think you're entitled to an opinion about Bollywood and the stars , but noone asked you to give up your chivalry and donate your spine by demeaning a fellow co star in a not so nawab-ish manner !!!! 

This isn't a street play being performed in a tacky school In a village or a practice skit for a college competition!! It's a bloody award function with a huge audience and honestly for the love of New York they could have behaved themselves!!!! 

Its extremely upsetting to see this clan playing dirty kidish games and being catty and mean , picking on a pretty girl just coz she has silkier hair than Karan , more followers than Varun and clearly way more class than Saif ! And who knows even more money tooo !!! These are the people representing the industry and India on such a big international platform ! It is extremely ignominious !

But how did they manage to get there in the first place ???? Hmmmm ... Nepotism really doesn't exist here does it Saif ?

-NT

That Little Jumpy Person 5.0 ft


In between Delhi's post new years day cele-brat-ion talks , some pollution flavoured fog and the unavoidable laughters and jokes on Mr Modi's super failed attempt at pulling off a robin-hood on us, I attended my first social outing of 2017 and I must say i wasn't disappointed ....( more material for my new post at least ...)

Finding my way through a crowd of an S , M and an occasional XL of the very same black pleather zara bomber jacket ( scratch that ,H&M jacket ) , that smells of environment murdering polyester , I managed to enter this club which is named after a season ! (How creative not )

Reaching the bar i spotted the usual species ofcourse ; wannabe Sonam Kapoor girls sporting "boots" that have plastic bows and silver faux crystal looking trinkets.... Ofcourse the slum quality bling doesnt end there.. (I could do an entire piece on Delhi girls' boots) ,and then there were the white sneaker sporting "League of extraordinarily cheap , not so gentle men" ... Marking their ubiquitous presence were the predators, read : indian version of jocks , that make u instantly think of swanky cars, musky perfumes and STDs... Right by the tables, on the dance floor were the 16 something girls who wore make up to look 22, (we shall talk when they get to 22 and are still there , perhaps as waitresses !)

However, these were the usual attendees of any party scene in Delhi along with the drug dealer clan , the wake and bake smokers, the social mime make up kitty aunties , butterflies in search of sweeter nectar, gold digging overdressed girls with ugly rich boys, tall men short girl duos, and unforgettably the sexually fluid nose ring guys in heels ..

This week , i felt much like Einstein and i was so ecstatic and almost teary eyed when i met this short guy in a plaid shirt and denims .. Voila !! New species !!! Sporting also "the one sweater probably his dead grand mom knit for him that he repeats every bloody winter, every bloody night ",the boy has sharp eyes and is observantly hunting for someone to talk( and bore... )

Since winters are short , like their stature , so is their need to dress appropriately in the current fall fashion... It almost feels that For a few months these people totally diss their dressing sense in exchange for a few extra bucks in their wallet blaming the seasons short duration !! This kind usually get comfortable in about 6 to 10 minutes after meeting you , once they've realised they can take you down in a fist fight , and about 20 minutes later they begin to talk, hop, skip and jump in over excitement . Soon after that , their never ending pompous story that is a bloody pilgrimage towards the city of cockiness , the temple of their inflated ego and the shrine of self worship and vanity , begins...

This jumpy person normally starts to boast about returning from a fun ski trip to the alps or a crazy bachelors in Miami.. This lot only shuts up with a drink being shoved up their tiny mouth or a rude sayonara !!!!

The use of phrases like  "i have been to that place too" or " i have heard about that " only trigger the narration of a custom made absolutely false story, the purpose of which is to sound cooler than you.... Skinny dipping with 3 strippers in Vegas( at the Bellagio) !!! Or about getting action on an Egyptian pyramid ( with 2 people) !! Or dating a Finnish supermodel AND dumping her ( ya right !!! )

There is no escaping the immature fantasy filled tales of these expert liers.. The only thing that can save you is death now, or lets not be that pessimistic , the closing of the club !!!!! Phewww....

After ruining your entire evening and making you feel futile, unadventurous and energy-less , they go back home more jumpier than a newly adopted bunny and feeling a rise in their cool quotient , probably compensating for what they lack in inches ! ( Pun intended )
They like to imagine that they are some what equivalents of the uber chic James Bond or as popular and macho as perhaps "Rocky Balboa"  but amusingly the only person i can think of in their reference is the popular Japanese cartoon " Shin chan ".

-NT

Demonitisation is a bitch 

I want my frivolous fake delhi back !!! 

I'm extremely irritated about this whole demonetisation scheme , not because I'm worried of loosing my millions stored in black in stashes in the attic ( like half of delhi ) , but more so because all the cool overpriced loved cafes and luxury malls filled with Indo trash people and hoity toity aunties carrying Chanels , have all suddenly become desertedly empty and , all these fake women and wannabe socialites have totally vanished and it's like the whole atmosphere has become so un-delhi !

Clearly everyone is running from pillar to post trying to deposit those ancient 1000s , suddenly pay off previous debts which they've remembered just at this moment thinking it would be good karma to give back rotting useless currency !! lol ! And every snooty bitch in town has been reduced to a mere slave of the silver Amex card , also proving to them for the first time ever ,that there exists something more plastic than their personalities  ,and here's the twist , that's more useful tooo !!

Husbands are screaming at their wives for "not spending " a super secret lump of cash ! 

Parents are filling their kids bank accounts and the kids are laughing their way to the banks with dreams of clearing out Hamleys soon ... 

A lot of the house help is so excited and ecstatic to see the rich in misery !!!(Ps : Bitch who pays for your existence in this city ? )

The chaffeurs are laughing each time their madam Ji gives them 3000 rupee to get a tank full in the 3rd car again ! (Ps :  if madam ji starts driving by herself you will not be laughing then !! Get rid of that smirk, be loyal and wish well ) 

The factory workers are more than enthusiastic to queue in the banks to get the currency exchanged for their bosses and hence waste time and do no work and ofcourse verbally take pride in the fact that they're more helpful ! Gossip is their favourite pastime currently and they're betting about on the value of their bosses' secret stash !!!

Bank managers are like "czars" right now and anyone on their bad side , need be ,financially beheaded ! 

What a not so royal mess all this is !!! This is a sheer wastage of time and funds , medium to big businesses will be shut , the poor will get poorer , and the country is taking a step back towards poverty and low standards of existence and an extremely medieval times lifestyle too !! (India : next world power ? Confident earlier , Not sure now )

My only fear is that after years of struggle and hard work and almost a dozen miracles later ,  Delhites were atleast trying to level up their game .. And with their Goyard totes and Benz convertibles , they were atleast drawing some similarities with the lifestyle and fashion of the International modern society!! Wasn't that a face saver when we have tourists here ? Wasn't that good for the society where the rich flourish and yet the poor grow too along.. ( may be slowly but atleast they are not in a crisis like now )

All our past hardwork is in vain !!! The other day at the mall felt like it was 2003 ... Few people scattered around who've probably come for a walk or window shopping , there were almost zero sales , and I honestly had an extremely negative feeling that if this usually bustling mall that makes sales for a few crores every week is in this sad state , I only wonder about the rest of the economy .... 

The real dilemma here is that are we going back to once again be known as just a land of snake charmers and folk dancers ?!?!? ( And ofcourse amazing chai ! )

-NT

Indo Trash - Part 1

Spotted: The overtly blabber mouth insufferable "Iknow everybody and everything " roundish person !!!! (Everyone knows atleast one person like this in their lives )

It begins with a "Heyyyyyyy" with an extended vowelly sound that can make glasses crack or make the most sophisticated people shrivel and curl in disapproval ,or perhaps even destroy a sparrow's natural habitat !!!! Please calm yourself girl and utilize all those extra kilocalories of energy to go mine coal or something !!!! Seriously , it's Not only extremely rude to be that loud publicly , but there is a Basic code of conduct one follows even while socialising !!!! 

This "extra need for attention " clan can be found in what's come to be wrongly known as the "internationally acceptable fashionably cool" uniform in india , namely  "a pair of white sneakers and a loose unflattering teeshirt-ish dress " !!! As if the outfit wasn't disappointing and frumpy enough, the last thing I need to hear is the person talking and lecturing about her "new look" flaunting it like its her original millennial invention !!!

I think they are the soul of an angry gorilla or actually may be an estranged donkey , trapped in a humans body that they keep "hee-hawing" infinitely !!!! They can't seem to shut up ever!! Most of the time they are pompously showing off some new shopping , some new people they met or busy pretending to be "vir sanghavis " female equivalent , talking incessantly about a new type of nigiri zushi they had last night !!! Sweet Heart , we all know of the satisfying "double cheese pizza with Diet Coke " that u gobbled up right after those 2 tiny pieces of sushi (which I truly believe must have felt like throwing a stone in an empty well !!! ) Not that I'm telling you to shy away from ur love for food , or going out , or socialising but u can also shut up at regular intervals , tone down that volume , and let others enjoy all of that too...

As a matter of fact , nobody likes a "loud and proud " person who talks big , but thinks and acts small... 

Attention seeking isn't a competitive sport !

Most times , a magical feeling of serenity and calm takes over ,and honestly it's such a relief to the ears and the eyes toooo , the moment they leave the restaurant or the party they were disturbing and disrupting, by just being present there !!!

In most cases i prefer to stay miles afar from them and their ambient trash talk... But , The one thing i relish more than a palpable serving of an avocado California roll , is the very insulting sight , of these noise polluters being thrown out of a posh restaurant for improper behaviour , proving yet again that they're correctly labelled as Indo- trash !!!! 

-NT

Fashion beggars or Fashion bloggers ??

Every now and then we hear scientists discover a new species of insects or a new type of sea creature and we bask and blabber about the infinite glory of the universe...

Roughly 2 or 3 years ago, in India , a new species of unemployed graduates sitting at home with nothing to do started developing an almost medical condition of desperation for attention ,and fortunately had enough pocket money to invade the dusty streets of Sarojini nagar ,to fetch a few clothes and afford an Iphone to click them in those clothes and post them everywhere on social media...And hence they embarked on a new journey of another low in their lives , calling themselves fashion bloggers.....

Post their genesis, What this species particularly survives on, is leeching off designers by shamelessly asking for free clothes ,free jewelry ,free scarves, free footwear or free anything...Believe me, they'll literally take anything that is free..... And in return they post one slimy ,pathetic ,sad selfie with the free merchandise not even giving the designers enough credit or a decent grammatically correct note of gratitude...  Most posts by these bloggers are erratically written in some dialect resembling English with an absolute absence of any knowledge whatsoever about the fabric, the weave, the philosophy, the designers roots , embroidery details etc..and No they don't want to even try and comprehend any of the details because all they care about is the "free stuff" or their occasional 1000 rupees cheques.. In this barter system that is extremely one sided , a shallow 6 sentences with their brain numbing 250 words vocabulary , calling a product "pretty ,nice or designer ", just doesnt make the cut ...

I do understand that this pool of fashion bloggers mostly includes struggling frustrated housewives with literally nothing to do , or once under employed girls who couldn't crack entrance examinations to get a decent course ,or wannabe fashion anythings , or a few boys with major ego and gender based issues , but please get me one honest, diligent, original, fashion blogger in this country who knows their job well and I would thankfully and happily shower them with all the gifts and money they deserve ....

In my opinion , they're so desperate for any kind of free merchandise that I'd rather call them fashion beggars, and the only gift they deserve is a reality check and a copy of Webster's 500 page pocket thesaurus !!!!!

-NT

Cape of no Hope ! 

Come October, and the average pretty SATC fanatic college girl / wannabe socialite lines up in "drag" outfits to see fashion shows , pose for glorified so called fashion bloggers and sip cheap free wine, pretending to be a part of this world of fashion and pretending further to hav a precise awareness of style and latest trends by attending the amazon india fashion week ....Phew, a long sentence later , which was anyways a derogatory but apt description of the mediocrity of the fashion week , this October 2016 , the event struck another low !!!!!

Some Ugly alien clothing trends which were miles afar from the term "fashion" took over the whole event.. I could only see a polluted sea of confused individuals designing and wearing clothes that scream mediocracy and idiocracy, defeat comfort and I wouldn't feel the slightest guilt putting them on fire with or without the person in them !  ....... Fashion bloggers seem to have hit new lows by clicking anyone whos cross dressing or anyone in a brand they are publicising by gorging on free merchandise and cheques as low as 500 bucks !!!!

People Wearing black sunglasses in the dark halls, boys wearing chokers, girls with no necks wearing chokers,purple velvet jacket with mirror work looking like a recycled quilt , oversized tunics on oversized females resembling tents in the arabian , prints that scream "wannabe" cool ,were a few lows

Disappointing !!! Whats worse is the fact that every other label in the week seems to be obsessed with the idea of making respected Anamika Khanna-esque capes suddenly and shamelessly showcasing them without a streak of consciousness !!!! Creativity is officially dead !

Dont make the effort of chewing your drivers brains to go faster through the monstrous traffic in govind puri (super un-chic venue ) to reach here ,then ride a silly rickshaw-esque vehicle (think poor golf carts ) and then finally entering this so over rated event. I'd rather sit at home,stream Paris Fashion Week shows online and try and experience what a real deal fashion week is all about !!!!!

-NT