Home Crooks

Home Crooks

As fabulously freeing the last six months of no nauseating socialising and fake smiling at lame pop up bars (aka dear Donna ) have been , not everyone has been telling the truth about their boredom or their frivolous sounding yet basic bitch alter egos  !

It was a good 6 months socially, considering the snake friends were finally pushed to their respective humble abodes and it’s almost natures way of saying “u can’t sit with us “ or well 6ft away maybe ... well I’m sure you can contemplate the rest ! It is Also a breezy moment for some non expressive , Movie maniacs turned moral compasses to sit down and somewhat stop articulating.. 

And last but not the least so many Influencers shamelessly looking into their vain Instagram accounts to introspect their also unabashed , shameless , crass & greedy behaviour over the past decade !

However as I always say the most important “specie “ that appeared this year other than a microscopic satanic virus was the species of Home Cooks ! Now this decadent term comes with so much variety and loopholes too. So lets get it in order.

The first and most ambiguous one is the one who only cooks about 6 to 8 meals a day each scarier than the other that may even shock the grim reaper himself !! Of course the team of servants does the chopping, cleaning , dish washing, spices and sauces .. the self proclaimed cook just adds a bit of drizzle I guess by swaying in her apron in the kitchen and an occasional swing of the whisk and ladle ( And then immediately Instagramming it ! ) Churning out Plates after plates of new dishes freshly preyed on from old master chef episodes ! It’s a tragedy to see that those 6 course meals are being  consumed in the time of such hardships and what’s yet more difficult to see is That they’re not even plated properly or well matched with wines ! True disgust ! If u plan to plagiarise something Atleast do it properly ! Ever heard of wine pairings ?!?!? Now Google that bitch ! Also easy on the Parmesan it’s not a vitamin !  

Another interesting one,  also In a state of oblivion is the cook who thinks nobody would find out you’re just doing it for the freaking gram !! Instagram !! Like we alllll know about mccain and meatzza and hell 20 more ready to cook packaged food companies ! Please calm down ! Atleats in these dark times you should know better ! Know better how to lie and make restaurant ordered food or pre made food look home made and authentic Enough ! First do the work and then maybe Someone who’s not up your ass might send u one emoji or a like on Instagram! Grow up ! 

The last is my favourite category of home cooks that I think it’s the most crooked ! These newly freshly grown entrepreneurs are surviving , rather blossoming , on their husbands two words of praises so much that they’ve launched brands of their own ! Like all hail the next McDonalds ! What the heck do they think ! Everyone’s thinking it but No one is gonna say it but hell I’ll tell u “ aunty once this virus ends your business will shut shop quicker than I finish a shot of tequila and no one will bother ordering your gross home cooked kitchen stuff . so stop wasting so much paper printing menus and over-investing in inventories and just stick to basics like your cheap poly delivery bag and Whatsapp photo updates etc 

My post might seem a little bit politer than usual but hey it’s the pandemic and god knows when it’s going to end , so till then in case I feel like ordering something from outside my kitchen , we need to be nice to these newly born home crooks ! Oops cooks ! 

Xx

NT